do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
