I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
