I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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