It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
