Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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