Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Randomize
