I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
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Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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