I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
