You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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