If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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