Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
