I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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