So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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