the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
