You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
