Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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