Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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