I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
