oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
