I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
