OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
