yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ambien. No doubt about it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
