I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
