Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
