Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
