This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
