On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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