On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
