Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
