WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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