The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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