I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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