Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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