Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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