The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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