i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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