Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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