First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
