In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
