Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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