yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
