I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
