I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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