you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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