Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
