There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
