When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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