lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
