She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
