i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
