that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
