I want to make a zoo with you.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
