I will die if light touches me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
