I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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